Ralph Walker

Your opening is totally engaging. It drew me in quickly and made me curious. Nice work!

A THIN LINE OF SMOKE Names and places have been changed to protect the guilty. The innocent will have to fend for themselves. Chapter 1 GEORGE They’d started out as innocent fibs, minor exaggerations, or hand waving distractions. There was nothing nefarious about adding flair, or emphasis, at least that’s what I’d believed when this started. We all did it, puffing up our chests, building up our importance, but somewhere along the way a boundary was crossed. What might have been embellishment slid further from the truth. One lie was left unquestioned, then another, and another. They’d all piled up, each new lie the foundation for the next untruth. Each tale, each story, each exaggeration; another brick, another beam, another column in our corrupted version of this altered reality, this more beautiful truth. Allister slid a thin sheet of paper across the folding table. “This question is from the plumbers. It needed to be answered last week.” I frowned, another trap. “Then they should’ve asked this last month.” The South African folded his hands. “Don’t get testy on me Georgie.” “How much?” “It’s small. A nothing, eighteen thousand, unless you have some smart answer that I can use to clean out their pipes.” A nothing? In their haste to finish, the plumbers had installed cheap faucets that didn’t match my blueprints, expecting no one would notice. I’d made them switch things out, but never bothered to document the obvious correction. Now they were using my own drawings against me, gambling on a seemingly innocent request for information to shift blame from contractor to architect. The paperwork was a farce, an excuse to get paid another eighteen K for their mistake by papering it over with a distraction that seemed legitimate, prying more money from the Owner’s tight grip. “This shouldn’t be more than ten grand, and anything that small isn’t worth my time. Make it go away.” From our position in the elevated construction trailer we could see a third of the site. The parking lot was filled with pickup trucks, and box vans. A yellow loader was zipping around, moving pallets off a flatbed. My project, the headquarters for North Shore Displays, was brimming with workers smoothing concrete sidewalks, spraying dirt piles with hydroseed, installing mirrored glass, balancing doors, unfurling carpet, spackling, sanding and touching up paint. They teemed like ants dancing an unrecognizable pattern of frenetic activity, yet somehow working towards the same goal; to construct what I had drawn. “We’re negotiating now?” Allister leaned closer, his posture applying leverage, like I was to blame. I couldn’t let myself get pissed off. “What does Frank say - anything less than ten grand is a rounding error when you’re dealing in millions?” “That only works when it’s your millions.” Allister’s tone didn’t waiver. Burly armed, clean shaven with a hint of ginger in his thinning hair, Frank’s first lieutenant held his stance, guarding the coffers of Krunka Construction. The worst part was, he was right. It wasn’t my millions, or his. We were arm wrestling on behalf of our respective bosses, or maybe the same boss depending on how you did the math. “Think of it more as a compromise”, The word was sweet on my tongue. I used to find it sharp and bitter, something to be spit out, but after nine months on this job site the idea of compromise – the more beautiful truth - had worn down to a hard candy, easier to swallow, even if it broke my teeth or gave me indigestion. “Twelve.” It should've been zero, but that wasn’t my hill to die on. I scribbled a response to the RFI, felt the curdle in my digestive tract, and passed it back. Allister added it to the pile. Before the construction manager could start his next round of slippery negotiations there was a pop, like a balloon bursting. The fluorescent lights blinked. Allister’s computer flashed. The insatiable growl of power saws and screw guns paused for a deep breath as if all the workers had simultaneously taken their collective fingers off the triggers. He reached for his walkie-talkie. “Lenny, where are they with the cut over?” A squawk came back, “The transformer is set. The electricians are working hot in the street. Why?” “Did something trip? “Allister asked. We both scanned the site. Beyond the building and over the fence was Spagnoli Road, the boundary between our encampment and the battlefield. On the far side of the street a small army of flannel-clad picketers marched in place, hoisting signs and ringing cowbells to bring attention to the lack of union labor. Their tank sized inflatable rat, Scabby, bounced with every passing car. In the demilitarized zone between construction and protest, two pickup trucks were parked in a vee. We couldn’t see the manhole between them, but a white cloud billowed out. Something had gone wrong. We said it simultaneously - “Shit.” Allister flew out of the trailer in a dead sprint. What had they screwed up now? I followed, catching the flimsy trailer door before it slammed in my face. “Who’s in the hole?” Allister yelled as he ran. Three Finger Lenny, our burly labor foreman, and two of his guys were a few yards ahead. One of the laborers stopped to grab an emergency kit. “Who’s in the hole?” Allister yelled again. I couldn’t make out Lenny’s answer. They moved with an urgency I hadn’t witnessed before. I had to run to catch up. Something was very wrong. We crashed out through the gate. Across the street the picket line was a mass of broiling faces, spitting maws and pointed fingers. They bellowed out slurs. Smoke wafted between the trucks like the remnants of cannon fire. An electrician sat with his legs dangling in the hole and his face in his hands, rocking back and forth. Lenny moved like a bulldozer. He punched under the man’s arm, dragging him away from danger. The acrid smell hit me as I followed into the cloud, charred wood dipped in battery acid. The metallic taste burned the back of my throat. It was worse than I could’ve imagined. “What happened?” Allister asked between huffing breaths. “We arced.” The electrician’s face was between his knees. “We?” Lenny turned back towards the road opening. I was closest to the manhole. Below, I saw a horror I’d never encountered before. Kid Sparks slumped at the bottom of the ladder, enveloped in a gauzy haze. His hand lay on an open copper switch, his body twitching.

FIRST ASSIGNMENT: write your story statement. A THIN LINE OF SMOKE – Story Statement A young architect must complete the design and construction of the most important building in his young career in the face of unfettered corruption. After a fire breaks out in the almost completed building killing the only female construction worker on the site the local fire chief and arson investigator must determine if the fire was arson and how the woman died. SECOND ASSIGNMENT: in 200 words or less, sketch the antagonist or antagonistic force in your story. Keep in mind their goals, their background, and the ways they react to the world about them. Frank Krunka is the alpha male at the center of this story who embodies and embraces the corruption, misogamy and greed. A self-made man, reformed cokehead, and hard knuckled contractor, Frank rules heavy construction in Nassau and Suffolk Counties with the intensity of a silver backed gorilla. You’ll never see him without his golden hardhat pendant banging against his well-tanned open collar, and you’ll never catch him doing anything illegal – he has guys for that. Frank keeps the wheels of corruption turning through influence, money or having a few skulls cracked. His pool parties are a venerable who’s who of local politicians, money men, contracting royalty and their arm candy. He uses his box seats at Yankee Stadium for patronage. In his fifties, Frank’s history of addiction, ex-wives, and shady decisions sit heavy on his shoulders. He isn’t ashamed to share advice with Georgie. He likes the new kid. In fact, he wouldn’t be upset if Georgie and his only daughter Hampton got hooked up. He always wanted a son. George must partner with Frank to complete the project, but as Frank becomes a surrogate father, George’s morality erodes, and he is drawn deeper into the ugly side of power. THIRD ASSIGNMENT: create a breakout title (list several options, not more than three, and revisit to edit as needed). A THIN LINE OF SMOKE The Corruption of George Sumner FOURTH ASSIGNMENT: Develop two smart comparables for your novel. This is a good opportunity to immerse yourself in your chosen genre. Who compares to you? And why? Genre: Upmarket Mystery A THIN LINE OF SMOKE is a character centered story held together by a tragic event like Richard Price’s LAZURUS MAN. Told through the eyes of an untrustworthy narrator in a closed misogynistic environment similar to Rosemary Hennigan’s THE FAVORITES this novel deals with the corruption of a morally grey characters set in the same era and milieu as the SOPRANOS but on Long Island instead of New Jersey. FIFTH ASSIGNMENT: write your own hook line (logline) with conflict and core wound following the format above. Though you may not have one now, keep in mind this is a great developmental tool. In other words, you best begin focusing on this if you're serious about commercial publication. Primary POV hook line (George’s POV) Thrust into the opportunity of a lifetime by the suicide of his mentor, a young architect must choose between a corrupted path to complete his greatest project or a moral path that may burn it all to the ground. Secondary POV hook line (Chief Edward’s POV) After a major fire breaks out in a newly constructed building, a fire chief embedded in the community investigates the cause of the inferno and death of a female construction worker. Under pressure from all sides the Chief is faced with confirming easy answers to maintain the status quo, or blowing open a case that will risk spotlighting systemic corruption across local government exposing mistakes by him. SIXTH ASSIGNMENT: sketch out the conditions for the inner conflict your protagonist will have. Why will they feel in turmoil? Conflicted? Anxious? Sketch out one hypothetical scenario in the story wherein this would be the case--consider the trigger and the reaction. Next, likewise sketch a hypothetical scenario for the "secondary conflict" involving the social environment. Will this involve family? Friends? Associates? What is the nature of it? Secondary Conflicts George POV In the summer of 1998, young George Sumner was laden with tragedy. His father died unexpectedly from a massive heart attack, and his unyielding mentor committed suicide. Now as both the breadwinner for his family, and the torchbearer of the firm’s design George is weighed down with new responsibilities and expectations. Thrust into the world of major construction George is out of his depth both in the board room where millions are negotiated, and on the job site where mistakes cost money, fingers and lives. Paddling as fast as he can, George’s moral compass is spinning, and he is looking for a father figure to point the way. The most dominant male in his orbit is Frank Krunka, corrupt construction manager. George knows enough to be wary but is quickly drawn in to the earthly charms of quick cash, political stature and loose women. As the questions pile up, George faces his moral upbringing and must choose between his affinity for this new father figure in his life and what he knows to be right. As an outsider on the jobsite George searches for allies. After a rough start he connects with Maria Lisa, the only female on the construction site. As the crane operator and crew leader of the ironworkers on site she commands a hefty level of respect, but once she is out of her cab, she’s just another chick and the slurs, catcalls and lurid advances are relentless. Maria Lisa is also a union sympathizer, trying to work her way back into the unions after a sexual harassment claim was swept under the rug, she has a fraught relationship with the organizations that should protect her and her livelihood. Getting a spot on a Krunka jobsite was a boon for her, and her inside information about the physical construction is a chit she can trade to work her way back into the good graces of union bosses. George and Maria Lisa embark on an odd relationship, watching each other’s back on the job site, trading secrets and giving the boys a show to improve George’s manhood credentials, and get the tongue wagers off Maria Lisa’s back. As one thing leads to another the lines get blurred and George is never sure if he is being protected, used or worse. George has a healthy dose of distrust for both Frank and Maria Lisa, but an affinity towards both. As he gets deeper in each relationship the tension between conflicting loyalties knot him up. Without a father figure, or mentor to help him find his way George must become his own man. Chief Edwards POV Chief Edwards has been a stalwart of his community for three decades. Starting out in the volunteer fire department and rising up the ranks while also working as the local building inspector he’s always had a unique view on the local government. In more recent years after being certified as an arson investigator the Chief has worn many hats, but never all at once on the same building. Chief Edwards was the building inspector for North Shore Displays and was ready to sign off on its Certificate of Occupancy the week before the fire. When he got the call about the fire, he expected something minor, but this fire became a four alarm blaze that brought in departments from all over the county. Once extinguished a body was found, requiring a deeper investigation, he was tapped to complete the arson portion of the investigation. Wearing each hat – building inspector, fire chief, and arson investigator – there is an inherent conflict of interest, but he is a trusted member of the community, and the sheriff and township administrator have his back. Still, Chief Edwards is torn. He can’t avoid the fact that he looked the other way during some of his inspections, and the questions only pile up from there. The Chief needs to protect his community and himself. While his morality dictates that the truth should be unearthed from the ashes there is enough doubt and pressure to take the easy way out, lest the man in the mirror live up to his own moral code. FINAL ASSIGNMENT: sketch out your setting in detail. What makes it interesting enough, scene by scene, to allow for uniqueness and cinema in your narrative and story? Please don't simply repeat what you already have which may well be too quiet. You can change it. That's why you're here! Start now. Imagination is your best friend, and be aggressive with it. A Thin Line of Smoke centers on a single building, North Shore Displays, as both setting and in some ways character. The building is a new corporate headquarters and factory that is being constructed in Melville Long Island in the 1998. We see the project from the time that the site is an open field, through the full construction, and the subsequent fire that consumes it. We also see the project through the eyes of George and Melvin (George’s mentor) as they work together to sketch out the design and dream about their aspirations for the building. Seeing this transformation from sketch through construction we feel the work. The book lingers in the grit and sweat of the effort it takes to complete a project of this magnitude. Long Island in the late nineties was also a place where the rules related to heavy construction were fluid. Labor unions had a strong hold on some trades (masons, electricians & iron workers), but the Island was more of a free for all with open conflicts between union and non-union on many construction sites. Sabotage and dirty tricks were commonplace. Construction sites were lawless places. It was also a time of pride in New York, and the tribal affiliations to teams (Go Yankees!), neighborhoods and backgrounds have a heavy influence on social interactions both on the job site, and beyond. The alternate universe of the story is George’s home in New Jersey. His life in what seems to be an idyllic suburb in many ways is dull in comparison to the hard scrabble, conflict laden buzz of the construction site with its constant movement, noise, friction and conflict. His life at home is centered on his newly widowed mother, her church community and George’s responsibilities towards both. As George crosses between New Jersey and Long Island we see the code switching he embraces, trying to fit into each environment. At note: The building for North Shore Displays is based upon a real building I designed early in my architecture career but enhanced for dramatic effect. Most other settings including the original Yankee Stadium, Cross Bronx Expressway, and even the offices of Cohen and Goldsmith are based on my memories of the real places, but the homes of George, Frank and the Chief are fictional.