New York Write to Pitch "First Pages"
A forum for New York pitch event alums to post samples of their scenes and prose narrative for detailed critique according to Algonkian Author Connect guidelines. Emphasis on choice of set, narrative cinema, quality of dialogue, metaphor, static and dynamic imagery, interior monologue, general clarity, tone, suspense devices, and routine line editing issues as well.
417 topics in this forum
-
- 1 reply
- 1.3k views
Opening scene/first chapter. Introduces protagonist and one of her antagonists (twin sister). Also, tries to highlight the two different segments of society that the two are about to inhabit. The protagonist, has a desire that is thwarted, and must then come to terms with that colossal failure. Chapter One The sprawling metropolis that was Acragas stretched before Evelyn, the building sparkled like fallen stars that had taken up residence on the earth. Evelyn looked over her shoulder at the massive spire that stood in the center of the city. It strained towards the sky like a finger pointing the way to heaven. To ascend. To be even a little like one of the ancie…
Last reply by Chief Editor M. Neff, -
- 2 replies
- 1.5k views
I apologize about any typos/errors. I couldn't copy and pastE, so I hastily retyped everything. Here is the current opening scene: Chapter 1 Malik If he'd just gone straight home after detention, like he'd been told, they wouldn't have seen him. West Stadium Boulevard curved ahead toward Arbor Street Plaza and away from Malik's home. Traffic idled that night, game night, but periodically, a lone car or two splashed by on wet pavement. Malik stared straight ahead each time one passed, expressionless, looking like he had somewhere to be. A few blocks south, the Big House roared with raucous fans, music, and whistles, echoed by tailgaters up and down Main Stre…
Last reply by JINJUP6RICHARDS, -
- 8 replies
- 3.1k views
Hello, this is my opening scene, which sucks so I hope I can get some suggestions on how to improve it. It introduces (or at least attempts to) the protagonist and antagonistic force, a few secondary characters, and the world and its magic system. Hopefully it's not too confusing or cringeworthy. I apologize if there are any typos. Thank you all so much in advance for the critique! CHAPTER I Winter, the Year of the Consulship of Paullus and Salinator Lydia stopped at the edge of the alleyway, peering through slitted eyes at the Forum. Marcus skidded to a stop behind her. They had followed the shouting and stomping, uncharacteristic of a Forum usually rife …
Last reply by MingluJiangP6, -
- 0 replies
- 644 views
Last reply by sarahwronko, -
- 0 replies
- 276 views
Aesthetics By Julia Reed Submission Word Count: 753 Opening scene of upmarket fiction novel, Aesthetics: Introduces antagonist, tone, and a setting that is used to dramatically contrast the glamorous lifestyle later introduced in the novel. Aesthetics_OpeningPagesSubmission_JuliaReed.pdf
Last reply by Julia Reed, -
- 0 replies
- 438 views
Before I've always known that my life would end with an explosion and regrets. I enter the crowded ballroom alone. Tiny cocktail tables are scattered about, each surrounded by handsomely dressed socialites looking ill at ease in their uncomfortable but undoubtedly fashionable shoes. Chandeliers overhead cast the cavernous room in warm hues that make me feel like I’m walking through a candlelit ball at Netherfield and not a fancy hotel in the city. Occasionally, I see someone I know in the throngs of people, but I politely nod, flash a smile, and gesture to the bar. I receive amused waves in return, but no one rushes to accompany me, much to my relief. The…
Last reply by Liz LeCrone, -
- 0 replies
- 91 views
(First two chapters - introduces the protagonist and antagonist, setting, and inciting incident) Chapter One “Don’t touch that!” Michael’s hand froze in mid-air, poised next to the prominent nose of a giant stone head. Gwendolyn ran over and grabbed her brother’s arm, yanking him away from the statue. While she was sure the Colossal Granite Head of King Amenhotep III was firmly anchored to the pedestal, she had no desire to test it. They backed off to a safe distance and she breathed a sigh of relief, releasing his arm from her grip. The last thing she needed was a cross British Museum curator seeking damages over the ruination of a priceless artefact…
Last reply by Ashlyn, -
- 0 replies
- 278 views
Opening scene - Introduces protagonist, setting, tone, and core wounds. At any given moment at least twenty-two thousand particles float in the air around you. On the second Monday in April, 1998, these translucent menaces encircled Cap and I like vultures, shoulder's back and perched to dive. All day it felt like the flowering trees of spring erupted at our fingertips, coy pinks pushing past woebegone whites. We ran in circles playing zombies. But when dusk descended those menaces materialized, surrounding us in a thousand motley shapes. I put my hands in the air. "We surrender!" Cap stared and put his pointer finger up (Boink!). I don’t know if he saw the…
Last reply by tulipopera, -
- 2 replies
- 751 views
Opening scene - introduction of protagonist, setting, and tone, along with foreshadowing of the primary conflict (the "khrysos ubi vermis" was created by the antagonist, the Umbreytandis, or "King Fetidmire," to free his queen from the Alpha Cells, but of course Dr. Roth doesn't know that yet). Dr. Eugene Roth was the last person to see the Head of Research alive. They stayed late at work on a Friday night in the Alpha Cell Complex, conducting tests on a new prisoner—a treasure-hunting monster composed of precious metals. “You’re one spectacular little fella, aren’t you?” Eugene said, reaching into the experimentation tank and stroking the monster’s golden exosk…
Last reply by JA Wilders, -
- 9 replies
- 3.4k views
Opening scene : immediately introduces antagonist in his true form without cloak or pretense, a side the protagonist does not discover until the middle mark of the book (well after their mutual introduction and frequent visitations). Setting is on the roof of the Papal Palace in Avignon, France at around 1353. Tone is necessary to establish in the reader’s mind the danger the childlike and aloof protagonist is headed toward. ______ A gust of wind marked The Holy Roman Emperor’s entry into the Chambre du Cerf, Pope Clement VI’s favorite room in all the Papal palace. The unmistakable scent of burning flesh rushed through his nostrils having been carried inside by…
Last reply by Shola, -
- 0 replies
- 720 views
This the first chapter of my novel, America's Town. If you have read the Beartown trilogy by Frederik Backman or seen Hoosiers, think of an unknown girl's high school basketball team becoming the pride of Gettysburg, the most famous small town in America, led by an unlikely, and reluctant coach. In real life, Gettysburg, aka "America's Town" has never claimed a state title in any sport. This first chapter introduces my protagonist, Jay Siler, two basketball players who are secondary characters, Bonita Blount and Stefani Baker as well as Alben Baker, borough administrator and Stefani's father, who has his own "power struggles" in Gettysburg. The narrative introduces the s…
Last reply by Stuart Nachbar, -
- 0 replies
- 369 views
OPENING SCENE - Introduces protagonist, stakes, setting, and tone 1 BREAKUP Drip, drip was all I could hear in the bathroom, amidst the Ralph Lauren cologne, terry cloth navy bathrobe, and bath towels that needed to be washed. Shouldn’t I be more torn up, I thought. Shouldn’t I be crying? It was over. After three years, I no longer had a girlfriend. “We shouldn’t be together, Asher,” Blaire had said, tears in her eyes. “No, we shouldn’t be,” I said. The moment the words left my lips, I knew it was true. I looked out at the sun setting over the University of Arkansas campus, with its red-brick buildings and skeletal trees. There we…
Last reply by CFTurner, -
- 0 replies
- 216 views
Chapter One I am still finishing up the hemming on Mari’s stack of tunics when Thea bursts through the door, her small frame quivering with sobs. I toss the fabric from my lap and crouch beside her, stroking her knotted blonde curls as she wipes her nose across her sleeve. “What’s wrong?” “The-the…” she tries to get the words out between gasps, but all that erupts from her mouth is another incomprehensible wail. My heart swells and pushes up into my throat. Tears come easily to my little sister, but her raw eyes and red-rubbed nose are beginning to frighten me. I know. “The… soldiers… are here,” she squeals out between cries, confirming my fe…
Last reply by Emerson Ormond, -
- 0 replies
- 441 views
Early scene that introduces primary conflict and teases protagonist’s background. It follows opening chapter in which protagonist is arrested while committing what was to be his final burglary. The room was dim and small and tucked away on an empty floor of a commercial building in the Garment district: no windows, a battered metal table, three straight-backed chairs. The walls were bare and the wood-planked floor littered with cigarette butts. A tired-looking man with dark hair slumped sideways in one of the chairs, his wrist handcuffed to the leg of the table. Purvis sat down heavily across from the prisoner and dug a key out of his pocket. He handed it to Rh…
Last reply by Ken Jautz, -
- 0 replies
- 988 views
Part 1. November, Year 27 of Restored Nation Chapter 1. “Chosen” “Congratulations. You have been Chosen.” The doctor bowed his head, genuflecting, but not before a look of panic marred his smooth, plump face. He explained about the microchip. Because you had been growing for twelve weeks inside me, I could be tattooed and tracked. This development could only be celebrated, and yet the doctor would not meet my eyes. Or maybe I could not meet his eyes? Cold air circulated within the room where I sat. The fact that it was cold was supposed to mean that it was clean—free of toxic fog that muddied the November sky outside. I resented the doctor’s heat and…
Last reply by ValerieKinsey, -
- 0 replies
- 73 views
Opening Scene: Introduces one of the two POV characters, Lily, as well as the inciting incident, tone, and themes that will be prevalent throughout the novel. There’s a dead pigeon outside the next customer's apartment building. It lays on its side, the feathers and flesh completely picked off from just the lower half of its body, leaving his talons connected to nothing but the remains of his bloody, bare pelvis bone. It looks as if rats or maybe his own feathery friends have picked his chest clean, baring his tiny delicate ribs to the fumes and cigarette smoke New Yorkers happily pay thousands a month just to have the privilege of breathing for themselves. His head…
Last reply by Bird Hazard Stromswold, -
- 2 replies
- 696 views
The summer Vrinn turned seven, her not-quite-mother led her from the edge of their village and deeper into the forest than she’d ever gone before. This was unusual, since Vrinn was often shouted at about wandering too deep into the woods. She had a habit of losing track of time and her own location when she was exploring. Crane—the woman who’d carved Vrinn from her dead mother’s womb and been responsible for her ever since—was furious whenever Vrinn came home late, always ordering her to stay closer to their cabin. So, the idea of actually being led into parts of the forest that Vrinn never seen, leaving foot trails and even deer paths behind was thrilling. She stare…
Last reply by Brady Hart, -
- 0 replies
- 468 views
Chapter Two: introduces PROTAGONIST - an overprotective mother who feels guilty for not being home as much as she’d like, and later in the story, is not above lying to her son to protect him from scary realities of the world. This follows the opening chapter from the ANTAGONIST POV - a creepy slightly disturbed 15-year-old girl. It sets up a fear connection between Mother and Son. First the son will be afraid of “Patty”, a girl he’s never met, and years later, the mother will be after she meets her in person. I'm using chapter 2 as my writing sample, since most of the chapters are in Protagonist POV anyway. EXCERPT: Vivian heard the yell from her son’s bedroom.…
Last reply by Ron91710, -
- 1 follower
- 0 replies
- 150 views
To make history, all you need is to overcome the past ... Late April 1787 The chief virtue of the hunter is patience. The next is endurance. Whether stalking the prey or lying in wait, the important thing was to … wait. To reveal one’s presence too soon, to fire too early would mean to allow the prey to escape and the hunt to fail. This hunt had been a lie-in-wait. For three bitterly cold days, the hunter had sat perched on a lower limb of the still winter bare maple tree, waiting for the quarry to arrive. This was where he would have to come. This was where the river narrowed and grew shallow. The tide still affected the depth of the water s…
Last reply by Douglas Grudzina, -
- 0 replies
- 428 views
Astray is a psychological suspense novel featuring the story of a young woman who returns to Alaska to confront the family she believes to have abandoned her and to reopen the case of her mother's supposed death by overdose. Aurora blinked hard, squeezing her eyes tightly before squinting into the darkness of the poorly lit trailer she called home. The living room was a foreign blur, and while the ashtrays and open bottles of her mother’s party littered every surface around her, the only image she could pull into focus was the huddled mass on the stained and faded carpet. Mama. Daddy. Their heads so close and their limbs so intertwined that for a mo…
Last reply by LBS, -
- 2 replies
- 748 views
1996 Like many young couples without kids, there was a part of their house that was hardly ever used. The hallway leading to the rooms that would eventually hold children, one room was currently the catch-all and the other was supposed to be an office but sat dusty and silent since the couch and kitchen table had better natural lighting from the living room windows. Their future, their hopes that somehow the laughter of children on this side of the house would one day heal them and make this a home, lay here. So this hallway was an odd place for them to be that night. Leo was holding Kate by her throat up against the wall. She was taller than usual, the for…
Last reply by Sharon Rodriguez, -
- 0 replies
- 502 views
My first three pages introduce the protagonist, a side character, a minion of the antagonist, and grounds in setting and place. You get the main plot and sympathy for the MC and SC, plus an intro to the emotional side plot. 1. Amalia and Clara drove to Sunday church service together that morning as they had for a year now. Amalia in a black linen dress with a lovely interlocking pattern of embroidered white flowers at the cuffs and bodice. Clara wore a gray sweater dress and a black crepe shrug. They both had on dark sunglasses, and not because they wanted to hide from anyone. The Nevada sun punished even the godly. They didn’t speak, parking and then walking to…
Last reply by Becky Bosshart, -
- 0 replies
- 729 views
CHAPTER TWO - Introduces protagonist, antagonist, setting, tone, inciting incident, and primary conflict. CHAPTER TWO _______________________________________ Mallory They say life can change in the blink of an eye. Mine changed in the carpool lane. After I pulled myself out of bed, after the blur of packed lunches, signed permission slips, and kisses, I received an unexpected email while dropping the girls off at school. One I wouldn’t notice or read for another thirty-four minutes. Those thirty-four minutes on that fateful Friday were filled with blissful ignorance of how the life I had built for myself would start crumbling ar…
Last reply by J.K. Clark, -
- 1 reply
- 668 views
This is a scene closer to the end. Even though it's a flashback scene, it's pivotal to the story since it informs the reader about what is holding Eve back in the present day. “Honey, I’m home!” I busied myself with grating the parmigiana until I heard his footsteps in the kitchen. His loud, clunky footsteps. I told him a million times to take his damn shoes off when he came home. So unsanitary. It was a state of mind I picked up in Singapore that always stuck with me. “Eve?” I glanced at him and then picked up the salad bowl. James moved closer to me. “Are you even going to say hi?” I scoffed, avoi…
Last reply by Natasha Williams, -
- 0 replies
- 481 views
Last reply by Preston,
ALGONKIAN SUCCESS STORIES
What should you accept as credible?
Where it All Began
