Part III- Narrative- 1st scene- Denise H

Chapter 1

     When had the future become the present and it the past? Erin St. Clair pondered this as she stared wide-eyed at her friend's gravid belly. If Erin blinked she would be right back there in that luxurious hotel room where they had plotted the future and decided they would have it all with or without the cooperation of a male counterpart. They had each other and that was enough. Ride or die was the pact they made while in a drunken stupor expressing their anger at the women who were disloyal to other women in their blind pursuit of success. Their bond had gotten Erin through medical school and residency and fellowship and had sustained Millie as she transitioned from a world-renowned researcher to a visionary CEO of a healthcare company. It had lasted until a year or so ago when Millie broke it.

     Millie had been a larger than life figure who became a mentor then grew into her closest confidant and her guiding light. Erin blinked once, then twice thinking it was an illusion born out of her most private and terrifying desires, which she knew were dangerous. She blinked a third time secretly hoping to find herself back then when they were on the cusp of realizing their dreams and the only thing that stood in their way were decisions. But no, the reality was that Millie was well into her third trimester, at least 35 weeks. And for Erin it was as if that inconvenient shadow called the past had reared its head, casting doubt on all of her past choices and discrediting her current convictions.

     Erin stared at her friend, standing there with a gravid belly and holding a bottle of wine. "You went through with it." It was a statement or a question. Erin didn't know which. She only wondered- when and how. She tried to fix her expression, not wanting to reveal the unsettling sensation growing inside. Millie had advised her many years ago to work on her poker face. Erin had. She would not show Millie how much her recent actions had hurt.

     Yes, Erin had a lot of questions, starting with why hadn't Millie told her? Sure, she had been away but there had been numerous opportunities to check in. An email, a text message or a phone call would have been nice.

     "It's wonderful to see you too, Dr. St. Clair and I come bearing a gift." Millie delivered the words in the kind yet acerbic tone she reserved for her unfocused trainees. She held up the bottle and said, "the best rosé ever." Time and pregnancy hadn't diminished the stature of Dr. Mildred Richards. She gave a closed lipped smile and opened her arms. "Come here, Doc Shorty."

     That did it. Hearing the pet name Millie had coined for her so many years ago warmed Erin's heart. She let out the breath she hadn't known she was holding, laughed, accepted the bottle and walked into Millie's embrace. They held each other for several seconds, Erin conscious of the bulge pressing into her chest and then the sharp kick. She laughed again, taking a step back to peer down at Millie's belly. The uneasy sensation now had a name and it was envy. Envy of Millie's impending motherhood and jealousy of the place the newborn would take in Millie's life. But there was something else too. As if sensing this, Millie, who stood a couple inches taller, wrapped her arm around Erin's shoulder and gave a squeeze. She kissed Erin on the side of the forehead saying, "I missed you, Lil Sis". She then pointed at the bottle. "You are going to love it and there's more to come. I've shipped you a case."

     The snatches of conversation, clinking of tableware and the inviting aroma wafting from the kitchen reminded Erin where they were. “Your table is ready," the hostess dressed in all black announced. She led them to a corner booth in the back. Erin watched as Millie removed her heavy wool coat, pushing it on to the seat before maneuvering into a comfortable position. By the time she had settled, Erin had placed the wine on the table and sat, noting the changes in her friend. She was more tanned than Erin recalled ever seeing and the trademark bright auburn hair was now dark, her natural color? The usual chic bob was replaced by longer, loose curls that framed a rounder face. Erin ran her fingers through her own short curls while taking in the new Millie. The manicured nails were short, neat but natural. The severe angles of her face were gone, replaced with a softness that Erin knew existed inside but one Millie had refused to show the world. But her hazel eyes, surrounded by dark circles, hinted at some degree of worry.

     "How long have you been back?" Erin asked, trying to sound like the professional she was and not like the kid who hadn't been invited to the party.

     "Let's start with you," Millie announced. "How has your first year as full faculty gone?" She took a sip of water, peering over the rim of her glass.

     Erin startled at the question, took a deep breath and replied. "Just as stressful as you described, but I think the elephant at our table needs to be addressed first."  Erin had looked forward to sharing it all with Millie. The transition from residency to fellowship, the training at the CDC and the work she had done with the WHO. It had been thrilling and thought provoking and had given her so much insight to approaching the problems she had identified as her career focus, but not now. Millie owed her an explanation. Erin pointed her index finger at Millie's belly. "You disappear for over a year, I receive the occasional short cryptic email, a formal invitation to join the board of your company and then a phone call out of the blue demanding I meet you for dinner. Come on, Millie."

     Millie looked Erin directly in the face, gave a long tired sigh and then picked up the menu looking it over. "Shall we do as usual?"

     Erin resisted the urge to let out her own exasperated sigh but gave a long grin instead, pleased to perform this familiar ritual. Erin picked up the menu and looked it over carefully considering the options. She glanced at Millie and then back down at the menu. They were quiet until the waitress arrived, asking if they were ready to order.

     With dramatic flair, Erin said, "she will have a bowl of the clam chowder, followed by the pecan crusted salmon with grilled vegetables and your chocolate Oreo dessert."

     "And she will take the kale salad, followed by the crab cakes with pasta and the butterscotch bread pudding," Millie announced, handing the menus back to the waitress.

     The waitress gave them a curious stare before turning to Erin. "What will she have to drink?" They both burst out laughing before asking for water.

     And with this, Erin relaxed having fallen back into the comfortable cadence that marked their friendship. "How did I do?"

     "Great selections but I was surprised by your choices. I wouldn't have ordered the first two in the past."

     "That's because I'm good." Erin raised her brows up and down for effect. As an Obstetrician/Gynecologist she understood the cravings of pregnant women and knew the Type A personality of Millie would translate into her making all the right pregnancy choices. The chowder was filling and tasty while the salmon provided the healthy fat needed for the baby's brain development. Finally, Millie's love for chocolate likely hadn't changed.

     "And that my dear Erin, is why you are my friend." Millie gave the widest smile of the night. That smile, rarely bestowed upon anyone along with Millie's reputation for being fierce and her obvious success was the reason Erin felt blessed to have Millie as her mentor and friend. They had first met on the Osler service at the Johns Hopkins Hospital when Erin was doing her internal medicine rotation. Erin's facile handling of an uppity resident had caught Millie's attention. A week later, Erin was surprised to receive an invitation to have lunch with the notorious and famous Professor Richards.

     "To address the elephant," Millie started, staring down at the cloth napkin she was fiddling with. "A lot has happened and I needed time to reflect." She paused, careful in selecting her words. Erin wanted to say 'no shit' but suppressed the urge, giving Millie the space she needed. In the past, Erin would have filled the quiet with a smart ass comment or pressed for a response but she had learned. Thanks to Millie. Millie had been one of only three people in her life who would give her the blunt criticism she needed to grow professionally. Others would simply ignore her or talk about her behind her back or not give her the opportunities presented to others. Erin had long stopped wondering if it was because she was that unapproachable or if this was the mark of systemic bias that worked against someone like her- a black southern woman from a disadvantaged background. Millie became her advantage, providing Erin with the inside knowledge many of her classmates grew up with. Erin sat back in the booth, crossed her hands in her lap and waited.

     "I'll explain about the baby later." Millie lifted her eyes and stared directly into Erin's. "I want you to turn down the offer from the Higher Health Commission."

     "What?" Erin asked in a voice much louder than intended. She had not expected this. And this was the one thing she had been the most excited about. When Millie proposed Erin join her board, Erin eagerly agreed. It was a chance to please Millie; an opportunity to prove herself worthy. Millie had done so much for Erin over the years and joining her on her board would be significant. Just as a graduation ceremony marked the transition from student to scholar this would symbolize Erin's professional adulthood. And it would be a big career booster. "Why?"

     Millie gave a long, soft sigh and the seconds seemed to extend to an eternity ripping at Erin's confidence. "The situation has become somewhat precarious."

     Erin let out an astonished laugh. "What do you mean? You know I can hold my own."

     "It's not that. It's complicated and you don't need to know the dirty details. But please know that as always I have your best interest at heart." Millie reached across the table to grab Erin's hand but before she could say anything more the waitress arrived with their first dish.

     After the server left, Erin took a bite of her salad and chewed, thinking about her next words. Once Millie made up her mind, there was usually no changing it. "I need to understand," Erin said.

     Millie blew on the spoon of soup not meeting Erin's eyes. She took a few bites before pushing the bowl away. "Despite what you think, I haven't always made the best choices. In the case of the HHC, some of this is coming back to bite me and I don't want you caught in the middle." She gave Erin a grim smile.

     "Millie, you need to stop trying to protect me. There is always some drama, some political jockeying. I need to learn how to deal with this and what better way than under your tutelage?" Erin shot her a devious grin.

     "This has the potential to be more contentious than usual and if not managed well could get ugly." She clinched her lips. "Ambition and power have a way of distorting even the well-intended," she mused. 

     "I'm confident you will manage it just fine. You always have." Erin reminded Millie. "Besides, what was our promise?"

     "Ride or die," Millie said wistfully, pulling her bowl back to finish the chowder. Their main course arrived and they ate in reserved silence; Erin not wanting to push and Millie thinking.

     Erin recognized the furrow between her eyebrows, her sign of deep contemplation. She was tempted to ask details about the baby and the pregnancy. She wanted to ask what Millie was worried about and why she had disappeared so unexpectedly. Did it have something to do with the Higher Health Commission, Millie's brainchild that started off as a consultancy firm with the goal of healthcare advocacy, research and quality improvement.

     Millie was like the hummingbirds Erin had been fascinated with as a child playing in her aunt's garden in Mississippi-industrious, exotic, strong and elusive. Flitting around at unimaginable speeds, Millie achieved feats that defied the average human, garnering much love and hate. Millie darted from project to project, full of energy and determination. Her force of character and unusual drive resulted in her becoming the youngest professor at the school of medicine in Hopkin's history and a world renowned genetics researcher but this wasn't enough for Millie. Nothing ever was. She had a voracious appetite for life. She wanted to experience the ultimate. And while this might sound selfish, there was a deep caring side she concealed and she was most disturbed by the dysfunction of the health care system so she decided to do something about it. That was the way it was with her; once she decided there was no changing her mind. And so she established the HHC to change the current model of health care delivery. Her firm focused on eliminating inefficiencies and inequities in the system by deploying innovative approaches to rapidly deliver evidence based care while looking for opportunities to drive revenue. The HHC had become wildly successful earning contracts with huge health systems, the federal government and even foreign entities. This was something Erin wanted to be a part of, this was a venue through which she too could advance rapidly in academics while addressing the health issues she and Millie had strategically identified as the focus for her career. Erin would not let some human chaos scare her off. It also came with some extra cash which she could sorely use to pay off student loans.

     The dessert arrived and Millie seemed to come out of her sedate mood. She used her spoon to sample Erin's bread pudding first and Erin in turn sampled Millie's. She closed her eyes in pleasure and then looked at Erin giving her the most heartfelt smile. "I love you Erin just as you are. You've been like the little sister I never knew I needed."

     Erin flushed heavily at this unexpected compliment. She had always felt that Millie was more of a big sister but they rarely spoke of affections. It was through actions Erin had come to understand this and of course the nickname Lil Sis bestowed upon her sometime later in their relationship.

     "I know I've given you plenty of advice over the years but this is different. While I was gone, I thought about a lot of things and one of them was what I could tell you at this point in your career." She leaned forward, giving Erin an intense stare. "You don't need to mold yourself into anyone's image or follow the path prescribed for you. Define success for yourself because achieving the success defined by society is a hollow victory, a fleeting one and you won't be treated any differently for having done so. Find your own moral compass so you can sleep at night because nothing you have is secure. You are always at risk of losing it."

     Erin's mouth dropped slightly as the words reverberated through her mind. Millie had previously advised her to pick an important topic to develop a career around. She had never mentioned anything about passion or morality or even Erin's personal challenge of being a black woman in academic medicine. She contemplated Millie's words, a message she had received before from her aunt, from reading and from the one who's name she refused to call. She frowned looking at Millie now through a lens of concern. "What's with this new nugget of wisdom?" Erin teased, trying to make light of the moment.

     "I'm trying to be serious, Erin." Millie pointed her spoon, making her point. "Listen to your elders. The naïve ambitions of youth are just really delusions of grandeur. You think you can make a difference but the world soon beats this out of you, reminding you of your insignificance. Remember this when you make choices."

     "What is this, Millie's lifetime epiphany? You know you sound a bit dramatic." Erin scoffed.

     Millie shrugged her shoulders. “You know how much I love theatre and acting was my alternate career." Which was true. They shared a love of stories and fiction, having shared books, watched movies and gone to plays numerous times over the years. "I want you to think about what I said."

     A bit later they stood outside the restaurant, bundled in their coats, arms linked as they waited for Millie's driver and for the valet to bring Erin's car. The night had a brisk coldness though the sky was clear and the cleanness in the air hinted at snow. Erin took a deep breath and laid her head against Millie's shoulder. Despite everything she was happy to have her friend back and it was comforting to think that they would resume the rhythm of their previous friendship. It was reassuring to know that Erin's somebody had come home. In the periphery a dark SUV with tinted windows drove up slowly. Millie leaned down kissing the top of Erin's head, saying "let's talk tomorrow and I'll fill you in on everything else, including the baby." 

      Erin turned to her, "promise"? Then her eyes were drawn to the vehicle and she watched as a back window rolled down slightly. Erin frowned, struck by the strangeness of the act.

     "Of course, silly. My car is here." Millie gave her a final hug and pulled her arm away turning towards the car with the back door being held open by the attendant.

     Erin turned back to Millie and things seemed to slow down at least that's how she would remember it. Millie gave another one of her rare, authentic smiles, letting Erin know that despite everything, their bond was still there. Erin basked in the warmth of it, feeling there was one person who truly cared about her. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the SUV crawl forward and the window slid down further. A gloved hand protruded and it held something. Erin's brain couldn't process what she saw but then she heard it. "Bang, bang, bang." She saw smoke and she knew.