New York Write to Pitch "First Pages"
A forum for New York pitch event alums to post samples of their scenes and prose narrative for detailed critique according to Algonkian Author Connect guidelines. Emphasis on choice of set, narrative cinema, quality of dialogue, metaphor, static and dynamic imagery, interior monologue, general clarity, tone, suspense devices, and routine line editing issues as well.
417 topics in this forum
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Logline: One young princess stood at the crossroads of the founding of three nations: France, England, and Belgium. Her story, and the story of the knight she loved, has never been told – until now. The true story of a rebellious princess and a brave knight who defy the king and overcome treachery, murder, and Vikings, to build a life--and a new country--together. Opening Scene - This scene introduces the male protagonist, Baldwin, and sets him on his journey to serve the king - the father of the protagonist princess, Judith. This first scene also provides historical background necessary to understand the political climate in the ninth-century Carolingian Kin…
Last reply by Deborah Morris, -
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Shit. How can it register 0.1? There’s nothing on it. Blaze tapped her scale. It flashed and returned to 0.1. She turned it off and on. Still 0.1. God damn it! Sitting cross-legged in the middle of her studio, Blaze looked around the room for answers to a question that had none. She had to use texture, not science to complete her acrylic pours. The feel of the medium was guide, difficult but not impossible. Blaze grabbed her earbuds. What kind of day will it be? A positive affirmation day? Music day? She scrolled through her phone and pressed music; calm soothing music to drown out the voices buzzing in the distance. They’re not real. They’re not real. …
Last reply by Cara Cilento, -
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Hello Everybody, Pasted below is my opening scene for my story. It introduces the victim, a suspect, and The Zenith, the location for most of this tale. All feedback is greatly appreciated. Further in this first chapter a pivotal character is introduced and the protagonist comes into the story at he beginning of chapter 2. I'd love to share more, but keeping it to the opening scene for now, Cheers guys! Day One: The Zenith was synonymous with death, particularly during times of war. Murder was unprecedented. Serving as a gateway for all walks of life, passing from one kingdom to the next, The Zenith was a peaceful place for centuries. Permanen…
Last reply by Matt Leyshon, -
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I re-wrote the beginning. Here it is. Comments and critique welcome. CHAPTER ONE 30 April 1730 - At Sea Anne McCormack ran her cutlass through the chest of the British patrol ship’s captain. He groaned as he slid to the ground, blood pouring from the wound to his heart. After wiping off the blade on her pantaloons, Anne turned to her crew. “We got him,” she screamed. “Start the rest of the fires and back to the ship.” The crew took out the rest of the sailors left standing, lit the greasy fires they’d set, and made their way back onto the Betsy D. Anne went to the helmsman. “Sylvanus, take ‘er back.” The helmsman started to turn the ship away…
Last reply by CarolBusby, -
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Hello everyone! This is my first chapter. Content warnings for implied pedophilia and abuse (both non-graphic). Then 1982-1986 Cleveland, OH 1 Sean Cold metal everywhere. Under my ass. Around my neck. Above my head. The van jumped a bump, and my head whacked the slab over it. The new boy in the cage next to me didn’t need to huddle to fit, but did anyway. When the van stopped, I and the others leaned on the cages’ doors. The exact disembarkation procedure differed depending on where we were taken, but it always started with our backs to the metal. There were three of us that night, and since nothing hid our restraints, I expected a …
Last reply by MichelleHenrie, -
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The opening chapter, which shows the malaise of the protagonist and his recurring dreams and which introduces his first and only true love, who unfortunately lives on the other side of the continent: The Heart Also Whispers A Rock ’n’ Roll Odyssey Brian C. Lockey Part One: California Chapter 1 It seemed an azure Mediterranean Xanadu, in which he found himself. Above him stretched a rib vaulted ceiling. Around him the windows and walls were decorated with ancient furnishings and azulejos, these latter depicting an infinite and interlocking series of mad cupids and blooming hearts. Through an open window, the ruins of a medieval castle were vis…
Last reply by MichelleHenrie, -
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Opening Scene: The opening scene introduces my protagonist’s (Aurora) inner conflict of being unable to move on from the life she had before she died. Aurora’s love interest Genevieve (enemy to lover) is introduced, and there is the start of some worldbuilding with Genevieve teaching Aurora about The Other. Chapter One If there was a light at the end, I must have walked away from it. That was the only explanation of how I ended up in this purgatory. Actually, Hell was probably a better description. I don’t know what I expected death to be like, but it certainly wasn’t to spend my eternity haunting the halls of my former high school, Adirondack Prep. Appa…
Last reply by ZacharyShermanP6, -
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This is the opening scene of my book about the pirate Anne Bonny. She was sentenced to be hanged but reprieved because she was pregnant. Thrown into prison in Jamaica, Anne then disappears from recorded history. My book is an imagining of her later life based on some of the many rumors that surround her. ********************************************** CHAPTER ONE 15 June 1721 – Spanish Town, Jamaica Anne Bonny lifted her head off the slouch hat that covered a rock which acted as her pillow. It was raining and her side of the prison was dripping water on her. Slowly and awkwardly, she managed to get her heavily pregnant body standing, grabbing the hat as s…
Last reply by CarolBusby, -
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Hi Everyone, I'm attaching another story of mine, Crime Warp. It's the first installment in a planned series of 5 stories (sequel written, 3 others fully outlined). The main premise of the series are my MCs use a technology called Projection (similar to time-travel, but with differences), to solve famous unsolved mysteries and cold cases. I've pasted a plot summary below and a short, but not sweet, chapter one. I appreciate all feedback. ==================================================================================================== When you want to solve history’s greatest cold cases, you don’t find the witnesses, you become the witnesses. Seasoned…
Last reply by Matt Leyshon, -
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Ninety Days in the '90s is a story (MS complete, 8th draft) about a failed Wall Street trader-turned-record store owner who time travels to the mid-'90s to "reboot" her life. For any of you 1990s music aficionados out there each chapter is named for a seminal 1990s album or song. (Chapter 1 is only five pages. Sorry if this post is long.) Chapter 1 — Sell Out Darby looked out toward the stacks and aisles in Martin’s old record store. Nothing mattered anymore but starting over, and she was taking that and this new gig day by day. It was easily 10:45 A.M before she finally flicked on the lights, to watch each fluorescent beam brighten the quiet space, row by…
Last reply by Brian Lockey, -
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I apologize about any typos/errors. I couldn't copy and pastE, so I hastily retyped everything. Here is the current opening scene: Chapter 1 Malik If he'd just gone straight home after detention, like he'd been told, they wouldn't have seen him. West Stadium Boulevard curved ahead toward Arbor Street Plaza and away from Malik's home. Traffic idled that night, game night, but periodically, a lone car or two splashed by on wet pavement. Malik stared straight ahead each time one passed, expressionless, looking like he had somewhere to be. A few blocks south, the Big House roared with raucous fans, music, and whistles, echoed by tailgaters up and down Main Stre…
Last reply by JINJUP6RICHARDS, -
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Hello, this is my opening scene, which sucks so I hope I can get some suggestions on how to improve it. It introduces (or at least attempts to) the protagonist and antagonistic force, a few secondary characters, and the world and its magic system. Hopefully it's not too confusing or cringeworthy. I apologize if there are any typos. Thank you all so much in advance for the critique! CHAPTER I Winter, the Year of the Consulship of Paullus and Salinator Lydia stopped at the edge of the alleyway, peering through slitted eyes at the Forum. Marcus skidded to a stop behind her. They had followed the shouting and stomping, uncharacteristic of a Forum usually rife …
Last reply by MingluJiangP6, -
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Opening scene : immediately introduces antagonist in his true form without cloak or pretense, a side the protagonist does not discover until the middle mark of the book (well after their mutual introduction and frequent visitations). Setting is on the roof of the Papal Palace in Avignon, France at around 1353. Tone is necessary to establish in the reader’s mind the danger the childlike and aloof protagonist is headed toward. ______ A gust of wind marked The Holy Roman Emperor’s entry into the Chambre du Cerf, Pope Clement VI’s favorite room in all the Papal palace. The unmistakable scent of burning flesh rushed through his nostrils having been carried inside by…
Last reply by Shola, -
BLOOD OF THE BELLFLOWER: THE TRACE HUNTER CHAPTER ONE Hild still couldn’t comprehend why they were hunting him - a young indentured servant, glorified horse hostler, and fence mender. Nonetheless, his parlous escape from the obscure mining village had flared an uproar with the Segaeta guards. Now, he lay stunned and spread eagle in the hot sand, breathing heavily and blinking against a sticky trickle of blood from his brow bone. Three things tumbled through his mind: First, this new life of running and fighting was unsustainable. Second, Razzia was somewhere – on a horse – being hunted by an assassin. She couldn’t stay on a fence t…
Last reply by Laura Neibaur, -
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Opening scene/first chapter. Introduces protagonist and one of her antagonists (twin sister). Also, tries to highlight the two different segments of society that the two are about to inhabit. The protagonist, has a desire that is thwarted, and must then come to terms with that colossal failure. Chapter One The sprawling metropolis that was Acragas stretched before Evelyn, the building sparkled like fallen stars that had taken up residence on the earth. Evelyn looked over her shoulder at the massive spire that stood in the center of the city. It strained towards the sky like a finger pointing the way to heaven. To ascend. To be even a little like one of the ancie…
Last reply by Chief Editor M. Neff, -
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Scene 1: Preying As part of her recent nightly routine, Alex Mercer watched from across the street as Henry Shen stepped out from his doorway with his briefcase and firmly locked the door behind him, oblivious to her shadow across the street cast by the streetlights. She saw the gold chain’s glint dangling around his neck as it swung. Embedded around his eyes was his occipital interface – titanium that ran around his orbits like metallic eyeliner. Across the street, the fleeting glow of Alex’s cigarette crumbled to ash when she rose, keeping a watchful distance. Alex followed Shen through San Francisco’s Chinatown night market, passing vendors selling c…
Last reply by MingluJiangP6, -
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Edit: so far these opening pages have been working in querying, so I'm not revising them anymore for now. Thanks! Hello, this is my opening scene (my whole first chapter, actually, since it's 4 pages single spaced.) This introduces the antagonist (though my protagonist doesn't know Griselda is the antagonist yet,) establishes the setting of Whitefall and the conflict of Lucina's memory loss, and foreshadows the soul-eating monster (aka Griselda) conflict. Hopefully, Lucina comes off sympathetic and enjoyable to read about too! Chapter 1: Transition Numbness I think I might be a ghost. My limbs are weightless. Feathery. I bring my hand up to check, and yep,…
Last reply by JINJUP6RICHARDS,
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