New York Write to Pitch "First Pages"
A forum for New York pitch event alums to post samples of their scenes and prose narrative for detailed critique according to Algonkian Author Connect guidelines. Emphasis on choice of set, narrative cinema, quality of dialogue, metaphor, static and dynamic imagery, interior monologue, general clarity, tone, suspense devices, and routine line editing issues as well.
417 topics in this forum
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On Saturday night, right after Shabbos, I had the good luck to receive a phone call from Yoni, an old friend who was visiting his parents. It was mid-December, I hadn’t gone to shul that Shabbos and didn’t know that he was in town. The Rothman’s house still had the Shabbos smell of chicken soup and chulent. Yoni was leaning back on the couch, one of his arms around Deet. She was wearing a red skirt that only reached her knees. Her legs were bare. Yoni had put on some weight since I’d last seen him two years ago. His pants and shirt fit him too tightly. When he half-stood up to welcome me, arms open to give me a hug, I thought that at least one of the buttons w…
Last reply by Yosef, -
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My favorite stories are the ones that begin with a raised eyebrow and some old man sayin, “You cain’t make this shit up.” Them kinda tales everbody wants to hear, cause there’s always someone who don’t want ‘em told. Not me. I like true stories, and I can already tell this is a good’un in the makin. Hard not to be, beins Mr. Jackson’s done drawed a syringe full of sleepy juice for his tranquilizer spear. First time I’ve ever seen one in real life, cause lord knows Kendall don’t believe in nothin but sweet words and a curry comb when it comes to breakin cattle. Big pussy. “Stick ‘im, Jackson!” And…bingo. Ewww-weee. Popped ‘im right square in the neck vein. M…
Last reply by wesnolen, -
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CHAPTER 1 It was raining again. Shango could smell it in the hot air before he felt the droplets from the holes in the canvas roof. It was the acrid smell worming its way through the slits in the tent that had woken him in the first place, just like it always woke him when the wind changed direction. Despite his youth, he often wondered why it rained the way it did. Are the fields burning again? Or did they never stop? It had rained on and off for the better part of three months. Nearly as long as his refugee camp had stood. News had reached the camp just before the rains began that the fighting had cro…
Last reply by RolandH, -
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TERROR UNDELETED CHAPTER 1 Why bloody fingerprints on that note from his dad? Now was the wrong time to ask—a smear of senseless... as senseless as killing men he knew nothing about. But here he was. They moved up across the park-side to the back entrance, the one where the dope-fiends gathered in a tight company of pissy whiffs and shit-talking with hands…. The fiends made way without a third thought, keeping their chatter steady and casual, as the hooded men wedged through, guns downward…. Nico counted four men, between his own desperate heartbeats, himself included. Being 14 didn’t matter now. …
Last reply by Cavis Adams, -
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I smiled as my arrow lodged in the goblin’s skull. It dropped to the arena’s sandy floor with a grunt, a lifeless heap of metallic armor. I notched a second arrow and drew, searching for more enemies. Fortunately, I didn’t have to look hard. Hundreds of the ugly green creatures swarmed into the coliseum from all sides, completely surrounding me. Their snarls drowned out the cheers of the crowd, both of which were united in wishing for my gruesome death. The goblin horde paused about ten feet away, their disfigured faces sizing me up like a double bacon cheeseburger. But I wasn’t afraid. I had an ugly, hungry companion of my own. My best friend, Henry Lee. …
Last reply by Reed Blanchard, -
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Oslo Jones felt the mule stumble beneath him. Its breath came in wheezing burbles. Another day’s ride and it would be completely lame. His teeth gritted against that future. They had been together since he left home. He thought of their nights under the stars. He thought of their days passed on empty stomach. He thought of their kinship, completely unfettered by questions. Oslo loosened his grip on the reins and sighed. There wasn’t far to go now. An intruding wind picked up and trail dust surrounded them in dancing plumes. Carried on a stiff breeze, those dust clouds could taunt a rider for miles.…
Last reply by Osahon Okundaye, -
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~ prologue ~ The tightly-bound shackles left a ring of rust on her wrists. The pounding in her head felt as if a string of bombs were being set off in her head, the pounding almost drowned out the sounds of the unpleasant whispers surrounding her. Her legs and feet ached from having stood against a post for days on end, the common punishment for someone awaiting trial on the Skeltu planet. The woman wanted to cry in agony of the severity of her situation. She could feel the stares of the rest of her species piercing into her. Their gazes were sharp and cruel. She didn’t dare make eye contact, as she couldn’t bare the sight of distaste that everyone seemed to ha…
Last reply by Danielle Emefiele, -
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Chapter 1 Colony of Maryland Late August 1751 For the second time that day, Colonel Benjamin Tasker, Jr. saw a dark-skinned man in deerskin pants dash across the road and disappear in the trees a short distance ahead of him and Dancer, his gray stallion, while they traveled to Bel Air. Not so much a road, but more of a wide muddy path that cut through the wilderness, serving travelers from Annapolis to outlying settlements and estates. The man was shirtless and hawk feathers decorated his long black hair. An Indian, very likely a Piscataway. A sizable population of them still lingered more than a century after the landowners had established their presen…
Last reply by Melanie_Richardson, -
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Chapter 1 There was a knock on the door, but Blair didn’t look up from her desktop. Moments later, another knock forced her hazel eyes to roll. “Tessa?” Blair called to her assistant who was putting together the new white leather couches for her office. “Yes Miss?” Tessa stood immediately, smoothing out her clothes as she spoke. Tessa has only been Blair’s assistant for a week. She had applied hopeful, but didn’t expect much other than a phone call saying she didn’t qualify. She, after all, did come from the scheduling department, which everybody knows is the bottom tier job at The Circle. Blair often refers to them as “sadly necessary.” But Tessa is young…
Last reply by Mackenzie Eaton, -
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Chapter 1 2017 Asmara I stopped by the maternity ward to do my morning round with the three medical students and a resident. The women lay under white sheets in two rows along either side of the room, with light blue curtains, now wide open, separating each patient. When we reached Miriam's bed, I watched as they presented her. She had been in the hospital for two weeks, but today she seemed flushed; her hands and face appeared more swollen. I asked Miriam how she felt. "I am fine, I think. Although, I do have some cramps," she said, hands running over her belly. I bent to examine her. "Are you having pain now?" "No, just last night." …
Last reply by Agoitom, -
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May 27, 1905 The White House grounds were redolent with the scent of cherry blossoms, fresh-cut grass and something distinctly….mechanical. Alice Roosevelt wrinkled her nose. The pungent odor reminded her of kerosine. Alice trotted to the fence surrounding the property, peering through the iron bars. No motorcar accidents on H Street. Alice’s long-haired chihuahua, Leo, scurried over and dropped off a stick. Alice dutifully tossed it while checking her watch. Maggie would arrive soon to pick her up for tonight’s party. Too bad they were in Washington, D.C., instead of New York. Everyone in the Capitol stared at her like the prize cow at a state fair. Leo …
Last reply by James Holland, -
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• INCITING INCIDENT – Foreshadows primary conflict, introduces secondary characters and setting. New Guinea, 1944 Lush tropical humidity swirled lazily, engulfing the pristine white beach. Frigate birds glided like calm kites, soaring with their great majesty over indigo waters. Flying rainbows of lorikeets flitted through the dense rainforest edge. Coconut palms flap-flapped their giant leaves, their fringy leaflets twisting gently this way and that. Waves broke out on the reef without much force during low tide. The intense beauty and tranquility of the island was the stuff of postcards. Piles of reef fish—samut and jamgunmari—glistened in a hand-hew…
Last reply by Laura K Marsh, -
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OPENING SCENE: Introduces protagonist, setting, and conflict. (After the opening scene, I jump a few pages to a scene with Jonas, the protagonist, and Levi, his father, because there’s no dialogue in the opening scene.) HEARTWOOD The line of sheep bodies curved up the hill toward the copse of white pines (Pinus strobus) behind the barbwire. Slick white wool matted with blood. Each neck cut clean. There was blood on the boy’s hands but he was used to blood on his hands. Still, urgency fountained inside him, flushing limb to limb, as he left one dead ewe (Ovis aries) and moved to the next. Fear heated his cheeks and goos…
Last reply by Silas, -
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The AEntropic - Book 1 A World Uncertain. Alejandra Leibovich Chapter 1 “Sir!” The intercom rumbled in my ear. “More life Sir; it’s time.” The voice announced. “Thanks,” I growled. Just wonderful. Another day I woke up at the crack of dawn, irritated already. There would be an actual sunrise if the sands outside stopped sticking to my dome. Two suns and two moons, and we can’t even see them. Some days I feel I have to create everything if I wish to have it. I gotta invent something that can repel the wind and sand. We could see the sky if the sands weren’t on my dome. I wanted to stay in bed. I opened the night table d…
Last reply by aleloop, -
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Chapter 1: Hot Johnny John <jjr41@protonmail.com>: I’m in the lobby Kayla K <masterkayla@gmail.com>: Be right there. I make a left out of my room and follow the outdoor hallway to the elevator bank. It’s early evening, but the sun has long since set. I press ‘down’ and look over the edge at the guests on the second floor lounge, curled like cats on corduroy couches in cashmere throws. The air is soggy with coastal brine, and my nose fills with the smoke of cedar rising from fire pits below. The elevator bings. I ride down smiling at a video message from my lover telling me to Have fun, babe. I don’t know what he knows abou…
Last reply by Calmese Brennan, -
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I had to try one time. Even though Dad was about to turn the car into my aunt and uncle’s driveway. Even though he and Mom had said “no” the hundred other times I’d already asked them. This was my last chance so I crossed my fingers on both hands and went for it. “Please please can I go to New York City with you guys?” I asked. “We could see the Statue of Liberty. I read all about it online. It’s 305 feet tall if you count the pedestal it stands on.” I knew they would like that I threw in the exact measurement. They always approved when I used my laptop for educational things instead of just playing video games. “I promise we’ll take you …
Last reply by Lesley Hershman, -
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CHAPTER 1 I didn’t officially exist until I was nearly thirteen. The State of Oregon marked this achievement via a document inscribed “Delayed Certificate of Birth” across the top. We were all born during the Vietnam war, and Mom and Dad weren’t about to let The Man know, so it was just the two of them bringing us into this world. Dad had no medical experience, and later I wondered what would have happened if something had gone terribly wrong. But nothing did, not at first anyway. My brother was born on the road. Mom was about to give birth in their red 1957 International TravelAll but then decided that’s where she drew the line, making my dad stop at the neares…
Last reply by Chloe Johnson, -
HANGOVERS FROM KARMA Chapter One: Ouster September 29, 2015. The evening was crimson, shadowing the earth in a cosmic twilight and shaping the water, the skies, and Aria invisible. In this opaque guise, Aria envisages strangling the two voices inside her head with no one to witness them dead. A few minutes earlier ……. In a world of seven billion people, she sneaked into the Village Marina to elope from the horror posted on the front door of her High Ranch, the content that stripped off her dignity. She looks up and sees shades of grey blending with the orange sky; her eyes adjust to the warm darkness as she focuses on ripples of white foam whirlpo…
Last reply by poonam sikand, -
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Saguaro Blooms First Pages-Algonkian.docx
Last reply by KimM, -
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The first chapter is below, which introduces the protagonist and her world on a very bad day. Up to Here Marza had had it up to fucking here. Here not being just the chin or forehead, the traditional places one has it fucking up to, but all the way up through the fucking roof. She’d had it with her job. She’d had it with her boss. She’d had it with her horrifying ex-husband and their bratty kid. She’d had it with the cat she adopted that was forever shitting in her shoes. She’d had it with having to explain to people that her name was not Martha or Marcia Penn, but Marza Penn after the dumb-fuck almond confection that her dumb-fuck parents thought was “just oh so …
Last reply by katherinemf, -
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Introduces antagonistic force, setting, tone & foreshadows a key conflict. Chapter 1 Philadelphia, October 4, 1779, Revolution Gone Awry: William Penn founded his colony in 1682, and named its capital using the Greek words, “philos,” friendly love, and “adelphos,” brother. It was the “City of Brotherly Love,” and, as Quakers friends were quick to add, “Sisterly Affection.” But Philadelphia had been anything but benevolent since Hannah Arnold had arrived last year. And, once again, it had turned deadly. She’d just witnessed an attempted assault on the Society Hill home of a Declaration of Independence signer. She peered down from City Tavern’s rooftop throug…
Last reply by Kathleen Yanity, -
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The Hollow Tree stands at the end of Rotten Row. It looks like an ordinary tree to almost everyone who wanders past its twisting bark. There are details, like the deep trenches running along its spine and the way the leaves turn translucent in certain slants of light, but it takes time to notice those, and people on Rotten Row seem to be in quite a hurry. It looked like any old tree to Conor as well. At least until last Tuesday. He didn’t want to go to school that morning – or any morning as of late. He held a cup of tea to his forehead, feigning fever. He attempted loud coughing, wearing his shirt inside out to demonstrate his general sense of disarray, and …
Last reply by JuliaMay82, -
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This first scene of the novel introduces the protagonists, one of the secondary conflicts, as well as some foreshadowing of larger events to come. ONE A harsh chemical stench assaulted Skye as she left her bedroom. Her hands trailed across the golden flocking of the floral-patterned wallpaper as she tried to pinpoint the source of the smell. An odor similar to those in an art studio, but more subtle and with a hint of flowers, led her down the hall to the bathroom. A sigh escaped Skye’s lips as she opened the bathroom door. One word described this room: minuscule. The sink stood to the right of the door, with the tub to the left. Directly acr…
Last reply by JJ Long, -
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Chapter 1 Knowing that today would be one of Willow Glen Animal Shelter’s busiest of the year, Felicity Davis had skipped last night’s Fourth of July fireworks and gone to bed early. Even before her alarm buzzed, she jumped out of bed, causing her dog, Wilson, a Pyrenees mix, and her tabby cat, Jasmine, to rouse and leap from the bed. Felicity wanted to get to the shelter well before it opened and people started calling in with lost pet reports, so she breezed through her morning routine. “Sorry our walk is going to be short,” she apologized to Wilson as they went only once around the block. “We’ll take a longer one tonight.” Normall…
Last reply by Jennifer Ericson, -
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I had seen you around campus. I never expected you to notice me, a nerdy first-year purposely blending into the background, but Zephyr is a small school. I would see you in the food hall or walking across the quad. Once, you opened a door for me and a group of girls from my dorm, your chivalry on display as the gaggle giggled our way out the door of the library’s extended late-night hours. We had wrapped up our Intro to Psych group project by 9:30, plenty of time to get a good night’s sleep; you and a friend were heading in for the late shift, textbooks under your arms. I would have been almost grateful, and a little relieved, to have gone unnoticed. My photo in the …
Last reply by Mandy Jo,
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